hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize