for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize