Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
