It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
