What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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