He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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