got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
