he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
