My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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