While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
