We're like a lot better than the average bears
thus making me awesome and them whores
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
