I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
