Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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