Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
