Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
