Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
