You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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