Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
