I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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