Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
