I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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