I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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