Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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