you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
