If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
