i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
