The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
