He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
