My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize