I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
