Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
