yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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