she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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