Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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