Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
