I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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