my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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