Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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