I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
