yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
