i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
