I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
