She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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