I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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