I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize