I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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