All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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