not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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