i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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