i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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