Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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