I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
