worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
