Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
