ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How does one acquire holy water?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
