Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
