Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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