im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
